You are coming into your freshman year of high school, not sure of what the future holds for you. Still holding on to some of your junior high friends, you enter the high school scene, unsure of how to act and how to dress. You aren't exactly a normal girl; you have messy hair and braces, and you dress much differently than most others. Being of an average height and weight, you are much more mature than others around you.
Upon getting your classes, you see that you have marching band (hell yeah!) among other classes (which you can't particularly remember at this time). When you arrive to marching band you find your two best friends and sit next to them. Across the rooms sits a tall boy with brown, mop-top hair. He is tall and has a good, strong build. Sitting next to him is a dorky-looking kid who's much shorter than the tall boy, and rather thin. There are glasses perched on his nose and he has short blondish brown hair. You stare at them for a bit, thinking about maybe becoming friends with them, as they are joking around, laughing, and overall having a good time. The teacher introduces himself, and your attention is pulled off of the strange duo.
Days go by, and you get more accustomed to the high school lifestyle. Long story short, you eventually meet, and essentially, become friends with the two boys you saw the first day of school. (They shall remain nameless in this scenario, if you will.) You never really get to know the dorky boy, perhaps because he is not your type, or maybe because he is too awkward for your tastes. Either way, you get into a good friendship with the other, taller boy. You spend much of your time hanging out with your new friend, and text him often. You realize you are starting to fall for the boy.
Now, somewhere in there, you start to develop intensely negative feelings for yourself. You spend nights thinking about how shitty your life is, how badly you're treated. You always call yourself horrible names, and tell yourself you'll never be good enough. You are rapidly losing weight as a result of rarely eating. Hunger just isn't something you feel anymore. Most of your days are spent going through the motions, not really caring about what's going on around you, either because you haven't been sleeping well, or because you are just too sad to care.
Now back to the boy. You get to know him better, and he reveals quite a lot about his past, as do you. You tell him how you have been feeling, and he says he understands. One night, when it's probably 1am in the morning, you feel worse than usual. You text him and tell him what's going on. He admits then and there that he loves you. Long story short (again), you get involved even farther with this wonderful boy you met just months ago.
You and the boy have wonderful times together. You watch many movies, and go on dinner dates often. Everything is perfect.
But really? It's anything but perfect.
Quite often, he will yell at you, and ignore you for little, stupid things. When he stops ignoring you, he will act like nothing even happened. He blames you for everything, even the arguments that he initiates. He quite often tells you that you need to wear different clothes, or that you look a certain way that isn't appealing to him. "I love you" comes after he hurts you. Every time, without exception. He never congratulates you on your accomplishments, he just acts jealous and ignores the fact that you did something great. He won't say thank you when you give him a gift, and he usually makes fun of it in some way or another. He promises things will change. That he won't be mean. You believe him, even after he hurts you again.
He admits that when he first said he loved you, he was lying. He didn't really love you, he was trying to make you feel better. But he assures you that he loves you now.
The sad feelings get worse, just as your boyfriend gets worse. He taunts you, calls you terrible names. You call yourself names as well, thinking that the boy is right. He says it's just joking, but you know it's not. He continues to criticize your every move. You get more self-conscious, and you eat even less. You belittle yourself, calling yourself weak for crying so much. Things escalate so badly, that one night you almost commit suicide. The only reason you decide not to, is because your family matters too much to you, and you would not want to hurt them in any way. You could care less about your own life.
A year goes by, you and the boy are still together, and you can't hold back your feelings from him. You full-on love him, and there's no one who can stop you. You are completely oblivious to what's right in front of your face: your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. He definitely doesn't help with your depression. In fact, he makes it worse. You struggle with your emotions every day.
You eventually lose your feelings for him, and you end the relationship. He tells you he doesn't realize what he did wrong. You tell him that he didn't do anything wrong.
This is the final day of your friendship, but you don't know it yet. You, your two best friends, and him are in one of the classrooms at school. Your mother, who is a teacher at the school you attend, if in there as well, and she is talking to a fellow teacher. You and your two best friends are drawing on the whiteboard. Your ex, will not stop touching you. You politely tell him to stop, but he doesn't. At one point, you somewhat lose your temper. You keep your voice under control, and again tell him to stop, more forcefully this time. He blows up in your face, and says "You mean like this?!" and he shoves you into the whiteboard, in between your two friends. You friends hardly notice. Or maybe they do, and they are trying not to show it. Anyways, you start tearing up, and you ask the boy to leave. He just stands there, looking angrily at you. You yell to your mother to ask him to leave, and the boy storms out, slamming the door behind him. You burst into tears.
Later, you find out that the boy thinks you deserved everything that happened, everything that he did.
As a result of everything he did to you, you now have a terrible image of yourself. You are over-jealous, and you think you are a good-for-nothing. You have a more negative outlook on life as a whole, and you are never completely happy.
The years fly by.
It's your senior year now. You have things under control, in terms of your depression. However you still cannot get the image of your ex behind you. You have a feeling that he will always be imprinted in your head and your heart. Not in the good way, either. You still have self-esteem issues, thanks to him. You blame him for everything that's wrong with you, whether it's true or not. And frankly, you feel guilty about it. There's a small part of you that still feels guilty for everything that he did. You know that it wasn't your fault, but he had his hooks in you so deep, for so long, that you can't shake him off completely.
Your close friends are still friends with him. And that hurts you, but you don't have the heart to make them decide between you and him. The only reason why you don't make them choose, is because you have a fear that they won't choose you. That you'll be alone.
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This post was entertaining to write, although painful at the same time. This isn't some "made-up" story to get you to pity me. In fact, I really want you, the reader, to take it more seriously. You probably see me as an up-beat girl with high hopes and great dreams. But really, that's not who I am. This is just one of my experiences in my life. I hope that maybe you'll understand me better now. And, hopefully, just maybe, you'll think twice before insulting me or bringing up my ex. I'm not who I am on the surface.
Thanks for reading.
-Jen
