There are times when I am sad.
I suppose that's normal, considering I'm human and all.
When I'm sad, I know that I'm thinking, but I'm not always aware of exactly what I'm thinking. I guess that my thoughts are just so rapid and quick that I can't even keep track of what I'm thinking about.
When I mentally rewind my mind, I find a few things to true.
1) they are usually nostalgic
2) they, more often than not, deal with my past
3) the consist of me asking myself a number of questions
4) they involve self-evaluation,
5) the include the judgments and actions of others towards me
Now #1 isn't only nostalgia about the good but about the bad as well. Actually, mostly about the bad. The majority of people cannot comprehend why this is, but I know why...I think. I believe it is because I want to re-experience the bad...and maybe, just maybe, get a clearer understanding of what was happening. Still don't get it? That's okay. Neither do I.
#2. Let's be honest here...I haven't had the best past ever. Yes I have two loving parents and two brothers and a family, but I've had some hardships that not every teen has necessarily experience. That is precisely what I think about. My abusive ex-boyfriend, my depression, my bipolar, et cetera.
#3 usually holds questions such as "Why am I here?" "Why are people so rude to me all the time?" "What's wrong with me?" and big surprise, "Am I really loved or am I even worthy of being loved?" I sure as hell don't know the answers to them. Perhaps that's why I ask myself them 3480518305748723 times. Maybe I'll have an answer the 273rd time? Definitely not. No different from the first time. Method to my madness? Most likely, no. Just madness.
So, self-evaluation, big #4. Not really big, I suppose. But bigger than 3. Anyway, yes. I'm ugly, dumb, bad quality human (ha, ha) not worth of life. You shouldn't be too surprised there, after all, I do think these things are true, so they must be true. HahahahahaNO.
#5, I'm sure everyone thinks about at one time or another. But the difference is this: I think about it all the time. In the shower? Yep. Stuffing my face with potatoes? You bet. Putting on makeup, using the toilet, playing piano, playing Sims 3, watching T.V., scratching my ass? YES. I know people always tell me that the are not worth my time thinking about them. That's all well and good, but thinking about them is, rather, a bad habit. I don't care if they wanted me to b e upset and think about them, it still bothers me and doesn't change anything.
I remember when a girl at a restaurant looked at me, eyed me up and down, looked me in the eye, and called me a freak.
What I can't help but wonder is this: don't they have any sense? Did their parents/guardians/whoever not teach them how to behave? I think it's funny that they feel like their only cure/relief for the insecurity is making others insecure. I'm insecure, yet I don't lay it on others. Still, I feel upset by them.
Maybe they're just God-awful people.
Or maybe, I'm wrong about everything, and I have a warped perspective and I'm the awful person?
Hm...I don't think so.
-Jen
