On Weather

People always complain about the weather, no matter what it's like outside.  Cold, hot, humid, rainy, whatever it is, there's just someone who's going to complain.

I guess I can understand why they're complaining.  Hell, I don't like hot and humid weather.  It makes me sticky with sweat.  It's gross, I'll admit.

But when people complain about the "gloomy" clouds? Aww hell nawwh. (How was that for ghetto talk?)

Anyway, I don't understand it.  To me, the gloomy, gray clouds are so...beautiful.  I don't think that most people understand what makes them so.

For me, they bring back a flood of memories.  Some bad, like the night I almost committed suicide.  I'm not quite sure why it reminds me of that,  because it was actually, a very clear night (read my other blog for the story on that - it's called "Suicidium").  It also reminds me of other times, such as walking in the rain with my ex, hand in hand.  At the time, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world, holding hands with someone I dearly loved.  But now, it isn't the most pleasant of memories.  

But is also reminds me of very comforting memories, such as swimming in the rain when I was but a little girl.  And, it even reminds me of a game I used to play when I was in junior high.  And that reminds me of my first love, and it makes me want to talk about life, the way he and I used to every night.  I look back, and when I think about those times, I get so overwhelmed with joy and sadness.  He was a truly great person.  I e-mailed him multiple times...until he eventually stopped responding.  He even un-friended me on facebook, a long while back.  I don't know why, but sometimes I really wish we had still kept in touch.  No, I don't love him anymore, but part of me wishes I could still talk to him every night, like the old days.  Part of me longs for...that kind of friendship again.  Another part of me, is still angry at him.  I told him everything, and the night after he said he didn't love me, I went into my room and cried for who knows how long.

But, that aside, it also brings about many inspirational thoughts.  It makes me want to just lie in my room, and write songs or poetry.  The clouds just make me...want to wander about life, and question myself on who I really am.  I get so many ideas for my writing when it's gloomy.

And, despite most people, the clouds make me...happy.  Strange?  Not to me.  Since I can remember, I've always liked the cloudy weather.  Something about it soothes me, and helps me release stress.

And y'know what?  All that came out just by thinking and looking out at the clouds.

I hope, that maybe I changed the way you think about clouds, now...

-Jen

Where's Our Encore?

Screaming, shoving, mosh pits, the smell of pot from backstage.

I remember my first rock concert like it was yesterday.

AP Tour, March 27, 2011.

Although, I have to honestly say the beginning of it was quite disappointing.  I love my brother, Joe, and his girlfriend so much, they're amazing.  But, I had it in my mind that I was going to see the whole rock concert, but....they did not take me to the whole thing.  Well, long story short, a few tears were shed and I finally ended up getting there halfway through, meeting up with a friend of mine, Elijah. 

Before I was allowed to enter, I had to get patted down by a guard at the front, which for me, was a first.  I didn't mind, though.

The show took place at the Regency Ballroom in San Fransisco.  There were 2 bars in the very back of the stage, serving beer in plastic cups.  There was also a first aid area outside of the ballroom, in case someone got hurt.  Which, I would find, wasn't exactly hard to believe.

There were some very strange people there, but nothing I didn't expect.

There were 2 type of people that attended the concert.  Those that wanted to have fun, and didn't really care about the music, and those who stayed back from the front and just listened.  

I expected everything that happened there, to happen.  The bands on-stage were screaming, cursing like crazy, and throwing full, open water bottles into the crowd.  One band even threw 2 drum sticks into the crowd.  One of the sticks ricocheted off my calf.  When I finally realized what hit me, it was too late when I finally turned around to grab it.  A kid, who seemed a little younger than me, had snatched it up.  There were some really poor attempts of crowd-surfing.

I had started to make my way up front with Elijah, his dad, and his younger brother.  Then, out of nowhere, people in the very front started shoving, for no reason.  It was pretty insane.  I tried to avoid it, not wanting to have to visit the first aid area in front by the entrance.

I finally managed to get farther up into the front.  The closer I got the the stage, the more that the smell of marijuana and sweat overwhelmed me.  It wasn't bad though, just strange.  The smell was sweet, musky, and somewhat natural.  

There were very large guards in the front, keeping people from getting on stage.  The picked up anyone who got close, and set them down somewhere farther.  They looked angry, but now that I think about it, they probably had to be to keep the bands safe.

Before I even got up close to the front, a mosh pit formed, and I was on the very edge of it.  I almost got shoved into it by fellow rock-lovers.  People I didn't know were doing the weirdest things in there.  I guess that kicking, screaming, head-banging, and running in circles is called dancing.

So anyways, I tried to make myself get closer to the stage before my favorite band performed.  However, there was a very short, obese girl screaming bloody murder in my ear, so I decided to back out of there, and go stand in the front to the left of the stage.

 I had the chance to see 3 bands (out of five).  The first, I think, was the band "Conditions."  The second, was Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows (DRUGS for short).   The lead singer one said, "Hey.  Kid with the glasses.  I'm gonna fuck that girl you got your arm around later." 

I missed Versa Emerge, and I See Stars.

 When DRUGS was finally done playing, the stage crew set up a huge black screen, while they set the stage for my second favorite band, Black Veil Brides (my first being Avenged Sevenfold, but that doesn't matter right now).

I left the ballroom temporarily to buy some stuff.  After I was done with that, I went back inside.  A few minutes passed, and then it happened.  BVB (Black Veil Brides) started playing.  The played almost all their songs, including "All Your Hate," "Knives and Pens," and my personal favorite, "Perfect Weapon."  It was so incredible.  Andy Six would stop singing, point the mic to the crowd, and wait for the crowd to finish the lyrics.  Like the other bands, BVB threw full water bottles into the crowd, spraying water everywhere.  The crowd was going wild.

There was an immense amount of energy coming from them.  They were tackling one another, and Andy's pants, at one point, almost fell down.  

They cursed a lot in between songs, which was quite funny, because none of their songs have that.

I remember that at the end of BVB's performance, Ashley Purdy took his guitar and flipped it over his head, revealing the back.  "PORN", it said, in black scratchy letters.

The crowd desperately tried to get an encore, but BVB was done.  After all was said and done, I left the venue with a Black Veil Brides poster, a shirt, a necklace, and a bracelet.

Hopefully, I will soon attend another rock concert.  My hopes are for Avenged Sevenfold to perform near me.

-Jen

Me.

So, crazily enough, you somehow stumbled onto my blog.  Whether you're here by choice, or by accident...It doesn't really matter to me.  Maybe you care, maybe you don't.  But I don't care, I can dig the whole "stumbled-upon-it-by-accident" thing, I guess.  So I guess, before I really get into this whole blog thing, it's probably in order to explain to you...about me.

Hm, where to start.  (Isn't it funny, that you know yourself better than anyone, but you just can't describe yourself?)  Well, I could tell you how wonderful I am, and boast about my intelligence and all that...But, I'm a realist, so I'll tell you the truth. 

You've probably already figured that I am a girl (gal, chick, woman, lady, ma'am).  Whatever you call girls, that's what I am.  I'm at the very young age of (almost) 17.  I walk this Earth, trying to find the answers to things, that, maybe no one can answer.  I try to understand things...that normally are very surreal, or bizzare to me.  

I'm constantly changing my style, as you will find, if you know me in real life.  Maybe it has to do with my need for change.  You heard me right.  Change.  The very thing many people fear.  The thing that sends us into spiraling depression, that thing that breaks our hearts, and tells us to turn around and go the other way.  Well, me?  I can't live without it (change, that is).  

In every sense, I'm not exactly what you'd call perfect.  But I suppose, that no one ever really reaches true perfection.  

Health-wise, I'm far from anything even remotely close to being flawless.  I have had chronic asthma since I was born.  And, back in '08 (when I was still in 8th grade/freshman year of high school), I developed severe depression (to the point I was suicidal), which eventually evolved into Bipolar Disorder.  Yes, I still deal with it every day of my life, and I will for the rest of the time I'm living here on Earth.

I don't think I'm the best person ever.  In fact, I kind of hate myself.  I have a big problem with jealousy.  No, not the jealous-of-material-items kind of jealousy.  Real, true, murderous envy.

Generally speaking, I'm treated like garbage by most people.  If you don't realize it, most things people say affect me.  I take in everything that's said to me, and I'll rework it in my mind, over and over, either until I'm tired of thinking about it, or I've come to a conclusion, whichever comes first.  I completely over-analyze everything.

Yes, I have been in an verbally/emotionally abusive relationship, although the person who did it, probably won't ever admit it.  Or in fact, he will flat out deny it.  But no matter, I believe with all my heart, that what he has done, has really exacerbated everything that's negative about me.  I have written many angry letters that will never be sent, countless pages of poetry, and many nasty words have come out of my mouth.  All about him.  

And... most importantly... 

I have been in love a total of 3 times.  First time, rejected.  Second time, abused.  Third time...has been a year and counting.  And, it has been one of the most wonderful years I have ever had, and I look forward to the years to come.

Well, maybe now you know a little bit about me.  

Maybe you...

still don't know me at all.

-Jen