Change

i never knew people could be so kind, and i've never had more hope than i do now.

i'm going to admit something to all of you. most of you don't even know this about me, but i'm honestly not afraid anymore.

my high school experience was shit. i got diagnosed with depression my freshman year, i had a horrible abusive relationship that went on for over a year, and people were so rude to me. i couldn't attend half a school year once because the depression got so bad, and the worst part was no one seemed to care. and actually, i missed a lot more than that. no one really seemed to like me except my few close friends. high school was a really dark time for me. i wrote many depressing poems, rants, and other things, and many of them had to do with how horrible i thought i was. i didn't feel i could trust anyone with my secrets, not even my friends. it was hard talking about what i was going through. i was almost ashamed of myself, and i wasn't even sure why. i seriously thought about suicide for a long time, and almost attempted it one night. my outlook on life was pretty grim all through high school. i had no hope that people could be decent and kind to me. i didn't think i was really worth it. i didn't care about looking okay, or taking a shower. i was so indifferent to everything, and negative. i was the ultimate pessimist, in every sense of the word.

but now? my new life in college has really opened my eyes. along with being diagnosed with adhd, i managed to get control of my depression. since college started, i've met many people who i think i can call my friends. i can strike up random conversations with people and they'll react well, talking back and smiling. i've taken nothing but great classes with outstanding teachers. now, i'm actually learning at an incredible rate, and i look at life with positivity. i switched therapists and physciatrists, and now i'm really getting the aggressive treatment i've needed since freshman year. i find myself laughing hard at least once every day. i take a shower everyday, and i care about how i look (to some extent). my hair is out of my eyes, and i'm moving all day, constantly doing and accomplishing things at an incredible rate. i sleep all night, and not too much, either. i'm friendly to everyone, and i try to look at the positive things instead of dwelling on the negative. i'm also not underweight anymore.

i don't think people that knew me in high school would even really recognize me. i'm amazingly different.

i'm finally myself again. i'm finally jennifer mitzman...the optimist, the lover, the fighter, the caregiver, the musician, the writer, the artist.

and it feels so good.